Solomon Kane

Plot:  A ruthless mercenary renounces violence after learning his soul is bound for hell. When a young girl is kidnapped and her family slain by a sorcerer's murderous cult, he is forced to fight and seek his redemption slaying evil.

Director:

Michael J. Bassett

Writers:

Michael J. Bassett, Robert E. Howard (character)

Stars:

James Purefoy, Max von Sydow, Rachel Hurd-Wood

This movie was freaking awesome.  It is in the same vein as Lord of the Rings in that it's an epic adventure type movie.  It didn't get a theatrical release, but it did have a $40 million dollar budget, so it's got legitimate special effects and CGI.  

The story is pretty basic, an swashbuckling mercenary has a run in with the devil and he avoids begin claimed for hell by hiding away in a monastery.  He eventually has to choose between protecting his own life and the life of the innocent, and he finds himself on a journey to save a young girl.

The acting is good, the action is good, the story is good, everything about it is solid.  It doesn't compete with the hundred million dollar box office hits like Lord of the Rings in scale and scope, but for it's budget they have made a very nice movie.

Moreover, when you compare this to the other adventure flicks on Netflix, this is simple one of the best avaliable.

I recommend it, especially for kids.  There's no nudity, no cussing...just violence.  There is one particularly brutal scene, but outside of that this is almost an PG-13 movie.  I put it's violence on par with The Mummy.  It's mostly him fighting monsters, so if you don't mind your kids watching Pirates of the Caribbean or similar films, it's one that the whole family can watch.  It's far less disturbing than the children deathmatch style of The Hunger Games.

4/5 STARS

Cabin in the Woods

Plot:  Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Director:

Drew Goddard

Writers:

Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Stars:

Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison |

I actually watched this a while ago and in honor of the Halloween holiday I am going to recommend it here and now.

This was an awesome movie, extremely unusual, but a must see.

Go watch it!

Happy Halloween!

5/5 STARS

Dark Blue

Plot: A robbery homicide investigation triggers a series of events that will cause a corrupt LAPD officer to question his tactics.

Director:

Ron Shelton

Writers:

James Ellroy (story), David Ayer (screenplay)

Stars:

Kurt Russell, Ving Rhames, Scott Speedman

This didn't get overly high ratings on IMDB, but I really like this movie.  I was elated to see it on NetFlix and have watched it twice over the past few months.  It's just a good damn movie.  It's a cop drama about a detectives unit that doesn't just bend the rules but breaks them into little pieces to get their job done.  It's not an amazing story, but it's all all star cast and it really helps you get into the movie.  As far as cop drama's go, this is one of the better one's I have come across.

 4/5 STARS

End of Watch

Plot: Shot documentary-style, this film follows the daily grind of two young police officers in LA who are partners and friends, and what happens when they meet criminal forces greater than themselves.

Director:

David Ayer

Writer:

David Ayer

Stars:

Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, Anna Kendrick

This was touted as a realistic cop movie, but it doesn't seem to be much of the case.  It was just shot in an unusual way involving mini camera's that provide a first person perspective.  The story is pretty bland and typical, none of the characters are particularly interesting and the acting is medicore.  
 
More like an episode of Cops on steroids than anything else, this fails to stand out from the crowd.  I would rather watch Dark Blue any day of the week.

3/5 STARS

The Ice Harvest

 

Plot: A shady lawyer attempts a Christmas Eve crime, hoping to swindle the local mob out of some money. But his partner, a strip club owner, might have different plans for the cash.

Director:

Harold Ramis

Writers:

Richard Russo (screenplay), Robert Benton (screenplay), 1 more credit »

Stars:

John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, Connie Nielsen

This reminds me of Fargo and A Simple Plan, it's a dark comedy/drama that's far more dark than funny or dramatic.  John Cusack plays a unlikable douchebag who decides to rip off his mobster boss only to find out that his partner in crime (Thorton) is playing both sides against each other.  Throw in a stripper and the town drunk and you have a true cluster fuck of a film.

I'm a big Cusack fan, but this is probably one of the worst films he has been involved in.  His strength as an actor is getting the audience to root for him, but there really isn't a hero in this film at all.  Everyone is a shady character, and while it makes the movie difficult to predict, it doesn't make for a very satisfying story.

If you enjoy dark comedies, this is worth a look, but you need to be a cynical bastard to enjoy it. 

3/5 STARS

The Krays

Plot: This fact-based movie follows the life of the twin crime-lords in London's 60's underworld.

Director:

Peter Medak

Writer:

Philip Ridley

Stars:

Gary Kemp, Martin Kemp, Billie Whitelaw

The Krays is a 1990 film based on the lives and crimes of the English gangsters Ronald and Reginald Kray, often referred to as The Krays. The film was written by Philip Ridley and directed by Peter Medak. 

The film charts the lives of the Krays from childhood, paying particular attention to how they were very close to their doting mother (Whitelaw) and also the relationship between the twins, with Ronald (Gary Kemp) the more dominant and violent twin and Reginald (Martin Kemp) committing acts of violence primarily at the behest of his brother. 

This was a really interesting movie because it's based on a real life twin brother mobsters.  The film is about 20 years old and it's shot to look even older.  The attention to detail is magnificent and the whole film really pulls you in and convinces you that these are the real mobsters.  The story does keep you guessing and despite it's rather anticlimactic end, it's a satisfying experience.

I recommend it for anyone who likes mobster movies or dramas.  There is more here than meets the eye. 

4/5 STARS

You Kill Me

 

Plot:  While drying out on the West Coast, an alcoholic hit man befriends a tart-tongued woman who might just come in handy when it's time for him to return to Buffalo and settle some old scores.

Director:

John Dahl

Writers:

Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely

Stars:

Ben Kingsley, Téa Leoni, Luke Wilson

This compared favorably to The Matador in my opinion.  

If you liked The Matador you will like this.  If you haven't seen The Matador then go watch The Matador and then you will know if you will like You Kill Me or not.

Just kidding, but no seriously.  Go watch The Matador.

No.  Don't.

Or do.

Whatever.

Fuck you, nobody puts baby in a corner!

I painted this.  

No I didn't.

El Lohse did.

Congrats to him or her, you are now famous for being on my blog!

...Ahem...sorry about that. 

It's about a burned out hitman who is struggling to mix with common society.  He kills for a living, but it makes him drink, and the drinking is now affecting his job as a killer, so it's former a nasty circle of despair.

I really enjoyed this movie, despite the fact that I think Tea Leone is a hack actress who sucks the believability out of every damn movie she is cast in. 

If you like gangster flicks and/or films like The Rum Diaries and Grosse Pointer Blank you will probably like this as well.

4/5 STARS

In Bruges

Plot:  Guilt-stricken after a job gone wrong, hitman Ray and his partner await orders from their ruthless boss in Bruges, Belgium, the last place in the world Ray wants to be.

Director:

Martin McDonagh

Writer:

Martin McDonagh

Stars:

Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Ciarán Hinds

This isn't a comedy.  I know what the marketing execs were thinking.  We will have him punch a dwarf in the trailer and people will think this is like Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

Well, it's not.  It's not a zany crime comedy.  It's a drama and it's actually prety damn depressing.  The plot pretty much says it all, two criminals are vacationing in the Dutch city after a job gone horribly wrong.  One is pretty damn well depressed and bored and the other one wants to go sight seeing.  There is some cocaine and a cute girl and a scene with a loaded (or is it unloaded?) gun.

The most memorable part of this movie, aside from it's revelation at the mid point, is it's name.

Ok, not great, I wouldn't recommend it for most.

3/5 STARS 

8 Heads in a Duffel Bag

Plot:  A mob bagman finds that his luggage, containing the proof of his latest hit, has been switched.

Director:

Tom Schulman

Writer:

Tom Schulman

Stars:

Joe Pesci, Andy Comeau, Kristy Swanson

Pesci plays a mobster who is transporting eight heads of murder victims to his mob boss and he is flying coach.  Apparently walking around with a bunch of rotting, severed heads isn't a red flag for pre-9/11 flight security.  When a medical student on vacation in Mexico with his girlfriend and her parents ends up with the duffel bag by accident, the mobsters that goes only by "Tommy" needs to track him down.  Fearful of the Mexican law system, the protagonist tries to hide, get rid of, destroy the heads with very little success.

This movie is stupid.  I'll be the first to admit that.  There are so many plot holes that you really need to just shut off the critical thinking part of your brain to enjoy this.  But it is a stupid comedy and it is entertaining.  The writers got awfully creative and found a way to make a severed head a comical prop for the purposes of this movie.  

There is actually very little violence and the severed heads aren't gross and obscene, it's actually the bad language that earned this it's R rating.

If you are a Pesci fan or if you like stupid comedy movies, this is movie with something to consider.

3/5 STARS

Rubber

Plot:  When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

Director:

Quentin Dupieux

Writer:

Quentin Dupieux

Stars:

Stephen Spinella, Roxane Mesquida, Wings Hauser

For the record, I didn't even know the tire was named Robert.  I watch the whole movie and never picked this up.  But basically, a tire abandoned in the desert becomes the sentient, embodiment of evil and it has magical powers to blow shit up.

This movie...is one of the most bizarre movies I have ever seen.  This is up their with Salo levels of weirdness and, believe it or not, the tire is the only part of the story you can really make any sense of.

I like weird movies because I genuinely like movies and I am willing to give anything a shot.  And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy this, but this movie is way too strange for the average movie watcher's pallet.

You need to be a odd, extremely bored or genuinely nutty person to even consider this.

Take my rating with a grain of salt.

4/5 STARS

Shaft

Plot:  New York City police detective John Shaft (nephew of the original 1970s detective) goes on a personal mission to make sure the son of a real estate tycoon is brought to justice after a racially-motivated murder.

Director:

John Singleton

Writers:

Ernest Tidyman (novel), John Singleton (story), 4 more credits »

Stars:

Samuel L. Jackson, Vanessa Williams, Christian Bale

It was bad.

1/5 STARS

The Last Godfather

Plot:  A Mafia boss trains his mentally impaired son as his successor.

Director:

Hyung-rae Shim

Writer:

Hyung-rae Shim

Stars:

Jason Mewes, Harvey Keitel, Jocelin Donahue

Don't ask me why I watched this, I kept looking at the DVD cover.  And looking at it.  And looking at it.  And then just went, "Fuck it" and clicked.

I am a gigantic fan of John Pinette, so there!  There is my excuse!

This movie is strangely bad and the movie plot description is absolutely accurate.  Mob boss (Keitel) has no son to pass the family business down to, except his secret son who he conceived with a prostitute while traveling through the Orient.  So now, in a wacky turn of events, a 40 years old mentally impaired asian man is being groomed to be the next mafia don!

It's so unbelievably bad you spend the first 20 minutes saying to yourself, "really?  They really made this movie?  And they got Harvey Keitel in it!  How hard up for cash is Harv?!"

Once you get over the fact that someone actually put time and effort into making this movie, it actually starts to grow on you.

I'm not insane.  The movie actually starts to make you dumber.  It brings your own mental capacity down to a level where you actually get invested into the story and start of ignore the horrendous nature of what you are watching.  It is truly stupid, like Baby's Day Out level stupid, chock full of Three Stooge's type of physical comedy.  If you are really open minded and give every movie the benefit of the doubt, you will make it all the way to the end, albeit with a few less IQ points

What's really strange is that this seems like a movie that would be perfect for kids, but it's rated PG-13.  Why did they do this!  Seven years olds would watch this, but teenagers aren't going to!   What a horrible misstep on their part, then again, whoever thought to mix organized crime with the wacky antics of a mentally impaired asian man has already shown questionable judgement about what should or should not be made into a full length feature film.  I guess I should really be relieved that no one got accidentally bludgeoned with a shovel and then buried alive in the film, earning it an R rating.


0/5 STARS

Boy Wonder

Plot:  A traumatized boy grows into a shy, determined teenager who patrols the mean streets of New York City, helping those in need and dishing out severe punishment to remorseless thugs.

Director:

Michael Morrissey

Writer:

Michael Morrissey

Stars:

Caleb Steinmeyer, Zulay Henao, Bill Sage

The plot says it all, it's basically Batman minus the billionare fortune and the ninja skills.

Now, I watched this a few months ago, so the details are kinda sketchy, but I remember enjoying the movie.  The hero is likeable and realistic, the story made sense, the plot was fine...it really didn't try to do too much, which is often a wise move in independent films like this.

IMDB shows that if you liked movies like Batman Begins, Taken and Man on Fire you will most likely enjoy this as well and that's a pretty damn good way to put it.

I do recommend it despite the fact that I don't remember many details of the film, don't take it as the film isn't memorable as much as an indictment of my own memory being shitty.

4/5 STARS
 

The Devil's Double

Plot:  A chilling vision of the House of Saddam Hussein comes to life through the eyes of the man who was forced to become the double of Hussein's sadistic son.

Director:

Lee Tamahori

Writers:

Michael Thomas, Latif Yahia (books)

Stars:

Dominic Cooper, Ludivine Sagnier, Raad Rawi

This movie is awesome.  For anyone oblivious to Uday Hussein is, he was a real life incarnation of Satan.  I don't mean that he liked to pretend to be Satan, I mean he was objectively evil.

This guy was the biggest piece of shit in recent memory and he gave his dad a real run for the money at being the world's biggest asshole.

This film was released as a biography of Uday from the viewpoint of his body double, but thus far there is no real evidence that the entire film isn't entirely made up.  

What isn't made up is Uday's tradition of attacking weddings, torturing failed Olympic athletes and his predilection for teenage girls.  This movie could be the result of a man being close to Uday and then making up a role for himself to create a story; it's really hard to tell if Latif Yahia is telling the truth or tall tales.

Either way, it's a terrific movie.

5/5 STARS
 

Dredd

Plot:  In a violent, futuristic city where the police have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner, a cop teams with a trainee to take down a gang that deals the reality-altering drug, SLO-MO.

Director:

Pete Travis

Writers:

John Wagner (characters), Carlos Ezquerra (characters), 1 more credit »

Stars:

Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby, Lena Headey

Like action movies?  Then park your ass and watch Dredd.  This re-imagining pays homage to the graphic novels the way that the original Judge Dredd movie was supposed to.  But then Stallone got attached to it, and then the writers wanted to change things, and then director wanted to make it look more dynamic, and the result was the giant buttered popcorn tub movie that hollywood farted out back in 1995.  

There is nothing wrong with Judge Dredd, it just doesn't kick nearly as much ass that Dredd does.  There are no wacky characters for comic relief, there are no shitty cannibal mutants, there are massively powerful robots who are defeated by pulling out a single wire..  Best of all, Dredd never takes off his helmet!  To Dredd fans, this is an essential.

There is just violence, drugs, more violence, more drugs, suggested rape, more violence and then a very bad ass ending.

Sound stupid?  I won't lie, it is.  But it's an action movie.  It's a shoot 'em up.  But it's dark and gritty and it doesn't fuck around.  The story is tight, it doesn't try to do too much and it doesn't waste your time either.  It's just a retelling of a story about one insanely bad ass future cop and his psychic sidekick.

I didn't watch it in 3-D, but I am sure that it would have been pretty awesome from the way it was shot and the way the footage is presented.  But lots of people are getting sick of the 3-D and the good news is that the movie is fine in 2-D.  It's not like Battleship, where you are watching it specifically to see giant 3-D robots leap off the screen.  There is actually a story here, with dialogue that doesn't suck.

I really shouldn't have to say this, but if you are the type of person that likes Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants you may want to pass on this one.

4/5 STARS

Assault on Wall Street

 

Plot: Jim is an average New Yorker living a peaceful life with a well paying job and a loving family. Suddenly, everything changes when the economy crashes causing Jim to lose everything. Filled with anger and rage, Jim snaps and goes to extreme lengths to seek revenge for the life taken from him.

Director:

Uwe Boll

Writer:

Uwe Boll

Stars:

Dominic Purcell, Erin Karpluk, Edward Furlong

So average Joe's smoking hot wife has cancer and he has the dumbest stock broker in history.  When the stock market collapses, Joe has all of his money tied up in real estate notes that have become completely worthless and it will take years for him to get any of his money back.  Lacking a basic knowledge of the business world or how lawsuits work, he hires a shady lawyer for a large, up front cash payment and goes completely broke.  His wife, I suppose depressed that she married such a idiot, commits suicide.

No.  this isn't the whole movie.  This is the first 25 minutes.  The rest of the movie is average Joe turned mass murder planning cunning assassinations against rich business men.

His broker screws up and so he goes on a mass killing spree, shooting whole rooms of people who are loosely connected with his personal tragedy.

I suppose if I didn't know anything about the business world, this movie would make more sense on it's face.  Him good.  Them bad.  Oog oog.  Shoot them with gun.  Oog.

But since I'm not completely fucking ignorant, nothing he does ever makes sense.  He is just a dumb guy and when he railroads his entire life he goes batshit crazy.  

Now there is something to be said for movies about crazy mass murderers, and that is "they are fascinating."

But there is nothing fascinating about this.  It's just some ex-marine who is pissed off at wall street and he blames everyone but himself for his troubles.  It's not an overtly bad movie, it's just not interesting.  You never get emotionally attached to the film because he is a moron and his wife dies too early for you to care about her at all.

If you like guns and you hate wallstreet, this movie is right up your alley.  Otherwise, go watch Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler.  It's the movie they were trying to replicate with this and that movie is 100 times better.

2/5 STARS

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Plot:  Tucker & Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.

Director:

Eli Craig

Writers:

Eli Craig, Morgan Jurgenson

Stars:

Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk, Katrina Bowden

This movie is a spoof on the classic horror films about the "evil rednecks killing college kids on spring break."  It does take some time to get going, but it's one of the better spoofs I have seen in a while.  Genuinely funny and completely out of left field, you will find yourself roaring with laughter as you watch these preppy college kids die.  Sound really fucked up?  Yeah, it kinda is.  I cannot really explain this film without spoiling it too much, but I sure as hell recommend it.  Unless blood and gore really bothers you, this movie is worth a shot...just make sure you are holding the gun barrel away from your face.

 4/5 STARS

Ip Man & Ip Man 2

IP Man

Plot:  A semi-biographical account of Yip Man, the first martial arts master to teach the Chinese martial art of Wing Chun.

Director:

Wilson Yip

Writers:

Edmond Wong (screenplay), Chan Tai-Li

Stars:

Donnie Yen, Simon Yam, Siu-Wong Fan  

IP Man 2

Plot:  Centering on Ip Man's migration to Hong Kong in 1949 as he attempts to propagate his discipline of Wing Chun martial arts.

Director:

Wilson Yip

Writers:

Choi Hiu-Yan, Chan Tai-Li, 1 more credit »

Stars:

Donnie Yen, Xiaoming Huang, Sammo Hung Kam-Bo  

Do you like martial arts movies?  Well, then watch these.  If not, pass.  

There are subtitles, deal with it or don't watch.

I like the second one better than the first, it had better action, but I think it's because the director took more liberty with the character.  

The movies showcase the life of the martial arts master Yip Man who taught the poor and disenfranchised Wing Chun in order to kick Japanese ass.  Then, in the sequel, he beats up a English boxer.

None of the characters fly through the air with a sword, there are no monsters, nothing overly crazy happens.  These are just really awesome and semi-realistic kung fu movies.

4/5 STARS