Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Plot:  An adaptation of the cult memoir of game show impresario Chuck Barris, in which he purports to have been a CIA hitman.

Director:

George Clooney

Writers:

Chuck Barris (book), Charlie Kaufman (screenplay)

Stars:

Sam Rockwell, Drew Barrymore, George Clooney

I have to start by saying that if you don't know who Chuck Barris even is, pass on this.  If you do, maybe you will enjoy a "blast from the past" from a pathological liar's point of view.

Do you have a friend that likes to embellish?  The "fish he caught" get's a bit bigger every time he tells the story?  That's nothing compared to the tall tales that Chuck Barris has taken the time to write about himself.  He is portrayed in this biopic as being a massively successful TV producer and part time CIA assassin.  Sound stupid?  It sure is!

This "look at me" parade of ridiculous lies is perhaps one of the more memorably bad hunks of shit I have ever seen.  Unbelievable from the start, it desperately tries to keep your attention with constant cameo's from A-list celebrities.

You see Maggie Gyllenhall and go, "Wow, ok.  She is in the story!"

Nope.  There and gone, never to be seen again.  Same with Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.  

The only consistent characters are Sam Rockwell, Drew Barrymore, and George Clooney.

Sounds like a great cast?  It is!  But that's about all this movie has going for it.  This dickhead is friends with celebrities, so he got to put them into his movie.

The "story" opens with him riding the pussy train to Winnersburg.  But of course, the "old boys club" fails to see the genius behind The Dating Game; the 1960s equivalent of reality television.  So, in his down time, Barris becomes a CIA ASSASSIN!  Unbelievable?  You bet your ass!

The story about being a secret CIA assassin is an unimpressive lie from the very moment George Clooney puts on his "I'm a spy" face and start's talking about "character profiles."

The movie get's worse as it goes on, whereas Barris spends is time trying to balance his life as a successful television producer with his life of murderer.  He spends his days writing for the Gong Show only to shoot people in the face and rendezvous with beautiful females spys for hanky panky at night.

The movie is cyclical in nature.  Barris creates a smash TV show, the kills someone, bangs Julia Roberts, makes Drew Barrymore cry...then repeats.

I'm a gigantic Sam Rockwell fan.  I watched this only because he as in it, and he is a great actor (I highly recommend Moon), but this movie just sucked.  It doesn't stop banging you over the head with the idea that this is a true story, despite that fact that it's ridiculously hokey.

I guess it's not impossible that a hacky TV producer was actually a secret agent assassin, assassin in charge of finding a mole in the CIA...but if it is true, they did a truly pathetic job of showcasing it.

I didn't even finish this miserable turd, I turned it off somewhere around the 13th time that Drew Barrymore ran from the room crying because she caught Barris was balls deep in a secretary.

This got high ratings elsewhere, so maybe I'm totally off.  Maybe this is a fantastic movie.  Maybe it really a happened and maybe the ending is really great.

But that's a lot of "maybes."

1/5 STARS